Now that Week 14 is in the books, and there are only 3 weeks left in the regular season, the playoff picture has become clearer. We don’t know for sure who all is in, but I wanted to let some teams know why they definitely aren’t a playoff team.
You’re not a playoff team if….
One of your team captains is the Punter
To the Buffalo Bills: Your team captains are supposed to be your emotional leaders. If your team is looking to the punter for leadership, then it’s no wonder you collapsed down the stretch.
(Bonus reason: if Mylar balloons can make your entire city lose power—ruining your game against the Chargers—you shouldn’t have an NFL team. Listen Bills, this Kramer v. Kramer thing has got to stop. We all enjoy that Toronto takes you to the Zoo every other Saturday and sends you a birthday card with cash in it, but Buffalo needs to admit they can’t handle an NFL team. And in a league where Green Bay is an ideal city, that’s saying something.)
You play in the NFC North and your defense is terrible
To the entire NFC North: One of you will make it (by default) but I really want to criticize each of you for your terrible QB choices. (Although the truth is it’s your crappy defenses that are doing you in.) Green Bay, you have 2 rookies backing up Aaron Rodgers, who had zero career starts before this season. Who heads up your scout team—the QB from the California Quake? Then again, being 27th against the rush probably hurts more. And the Chicago Bears are terrible against the pass, while the Minnesota Vikings had trouble against the Lions. Speaking of Detroit…
You sign a QB on Tuesday and he starts for you on Sunday
To the Detroit Lions: This was actually quite a difficult decision, because any time your QB drops back, runs out of the back of the end zone, and doesn’t even know it—well, that’s also a reason you’re not a playoff team. Or if your former GM was so incompetent that he crippled the franchise for years to come, you’re not a playoff team. Or if your owner is so busy ruining the American automotive industry, that he doesn’t notice your former GM is so incompetent that he crippled the franchise for years to come…let’s just say there are lots of reasons the Detroit Lions have Januarys free.
The bitterness deep within your soul has seeped into your team, crushing them collectively under the weight of your despise
To the Philadelphia Eagles: I know that I am tough on Philly for being so tough on their teams, but I was told recently that the ghosts of Vet’s Stadium were gone, and that Lincoln Financial Field was a happier place. Then I was told that the Phillies winning it all would exorcise the demons. But go ahead and ask Donovan McNabb if the city has lightened up any. Let’s just say that if Ghostbusters 2 were real, and bad feelings were to create a river of slime that draws its strength from negative vibes, Philadelphia would have the Amazon flowing underneath it (Yes I just made a GB-2 reference. And yes there will be more of those in the future. Put it on your Netflix list now, you’ll thank me later.) And that is why they will miss the playoffs. That, or Andy Reid’s terrible clock management.
You fired your coach during the bye week
To the St Louis Rams, San Francisco 49ers, and Oakland Raiders: I can’t remember a single example of a coach being fired mid-season that resulted in that team making the playoffs. If I’m wrong feel free to put any examples in the comments section. But injuries, switching QBs, gunshot wounds, firing coordinators, hurricanes, famine, plagues of locusts, incompetent coaches, changing cities—any of this a team can actually overcome. But no team can make the playoffs after a head coach gets the axe…until next season when Norv Turner gets fired in Week 7 and the San Diego Chargers go 10-0 after that. (Bonus: I was having a conversation with someone who is much smarter than me, and he suggested that Goodell and the NFL should take over the Raiders in conservatorship in order to rescue them from the Al Davis. He compared it to the railroads and Truman, while my example was Britney Spears and her dad. Like I said, he’s much smarter than me.)
You play in Ohio
To the Cincinnati Bengals and Cleveland Browns: In the last 20 years you have combined to make the playoffs five times. Five! Combined! In twenty years! I know that Seattle’s sports have fallen on hard times, but the Seahawks have as many playoff appearances in the last five years as the 2 Ohio teams have combined in the last 20. Maybe having crappy football teams is just the price you pay for living somewhere so wonderful. I’m just kidding, Ohio is excruciatingly boring. And their football teams suck.
Your coach is openly looking forward to being out of football by January
To the Kansas City Chiefs and the Seattle Seahawks: You two have to be considered the leaders in the clubhouse for the Cowher sweepstakes. William ‘the Chin’ Cowher is looking for 2 things: 1) lots of money. 2) A decent QB to build around. Both the Browns and Bengals seem to be options, but would their owners pay Cowher? And would he be willing to go into the Steelers’ division? I doubt it on both counts. But Thigpen has put the Chiefs into Cowher contention, and the Seahawks actually seem like a pretty decent fit. Plus the West will be wide open and Cowher has to see the possibility of playoffs in year 1 for either team. Do the Chiefs have the inside-track because of Cowher’s ties to Marty Schottenheimer? Does Cowher go to Seattle and Marty-ball come back to Kansas City? I wouldn’t completely rule either out.
You drafted Braylon Edwards in the 3rd round and Marc Bulger in the 4th round
To me: Add LT in the 1st round, Willis Mcgahee in the 2nd round, and Dallas Clark underperforming and it becomes very clear that my fantasy team did not make the playoffs.
The weight of pre-season expectations were just too much
To San Diego Chargers, Houston Texans, and Jacksonville Jaguars: All three of you were trendy playoff picks before the season began and all three of you have had some major injuries at key positions that set back your performance. But each of you also put up a total of a 1,001 under-whelming performances culminating in Jacksonville losing to Cleveland and Cincinnati in back-to-back weeks. Was it coaching? Were you too beat up? Was MTV running a My Super Sweet 16 marathon that you wanted to get home for? What the hell happened?
And the last sign that you’re not a playoff team:
LBPostSports.com has a column about Why (You) Won’t Make the Playoffs
To the Dallas Cowboys: I know what you’re saying—they’re 8-5, they are still going to make the playoffs. But I’m telling you again: No they won’t. This team is just beginning the December from hell, and they already have a history of collapsing in Decembers. And I warned you about them after Week 5. I’m not saying I am the reason the Cowboys will miss the playoffs. I’m just saying I knew the reasons they would miss the playoffs 2 months ago. And yet I was called an idiot. Clearly I’m not appreciated in my own time. But between that and recommending Ghostbusters 2, I think you’re better for having me in your life.
You’re welcome.