Not all fans are created equal. Just because you went to the mall and bought a Favre jersey doesn’t mean you’re Fireman Ed. And I know what you’re saying: I’m not that guy, I’m a real fan. But there are some pretty nasty traits that a lot of us have as fans, so for your benefit I’ve created a handy little guide for you to indentify the 6 most common types of Bad Fans. One or more of these may apply (for instance A-holes are usually Front Runners and vice versa) and who knows they may just be genetic (or geographic) but do yourself a favor and try to steer clear of these moral failings.
The Roto Rooter
In Sportsnight’s 50th podcast Mike named a concept that most of us have felt: fan-bigouity. When you have money on the line, or even just pride, it can sometimes be difficult to stick to your usual rooting interests. If I bet $50 on the Broncos, despite the fact that they’re a division rival of my team, I’m going to be torn. I want the Chargers to do well, but fifty bucks is fifty bucks. And you may say: well then why would you bet on a team that you don’t want to win? And fair enough, but what if it wasn’t $50, what if it was that I had Jay Cutler on my fantasy team? I’m going to be conflicted every time he throws a TD, and I can’t just avoid every rival of the Chargers in my fantasy league—how could I even play if I avoid half the league?
But there are people that have no confliction. They have their fantasy teams and that is all they cheer for. These people are Roto-Rooters. Their fantasy team is their only allegiance. These people will never cheer for a real team, instead they cheer for the Lakers because they have Kobe Bryant on their team. These people will never know what it is like to have “your” team, a real-life team, win a championship. Thenagain, I am kinda jealous of these people… every time Jay Cutler throws a touchdown.
The A-Hole
A friend of mine pointed something out to me not too long ago: “If you are in a soccer bar, without a doubt the biggest a-hole in the room will be a Manchester United Fan.” This phenomenon isn’t just reserved for soccer. We all know there are teams, and entire cities, that just attract the worst kind of fan. For a long time New York held the patent on this; Yankees fans were impossible to deal with. To quote The Departed, some groups just have this ‘air of scumbag.’ Well somewhere around January 2002, Boston happily took the baton and has spent the last 7 years as the most unlikeable fan-base in the country. From constantly bragging to copyrighting “19-0”, all Boston teams have pushed the limit. But Boston fans, karma sucks. Just ask Tom Brady’s left knee.
The Pessimist
While Boston and New York fans have ridden success to massive unlike-ability, Philadelphia has taken an opposite route to the same destination. In fact, without a doubt Philly is the most-tortured fanbase in the country, if you don’t believe me, talk to a Philly fan. But rather than be loveable losers, rather than be plucky underdogs, Philadelphia has instead chosen to be bitter curmudgeons, hell-bent on taking you down with them. This is a bitterness that has seeped so deep into their soul that they are willing to cheer an injury to Michael Irvin or boo Santa Claus. But of course this attitude is a downward cycle. With the pressure that Philly fans put on their teams, it’s no wonder they choke away victory. Or to put it another way, it’s no wonder they dry-heave in the Super Bowl.
The Lily-Pad Fan
Most people assume that sports fandom is passed down from fathers to son. Your father was a Dodger fan, so you are a Dodger fan. Teams are like family: they make you angry, they disappoint you but heaven-help-you you’re not gonna be able to get rid of them. And to a great many people that is true. But there is another school of thought, another type of fan that’s rarely acknowledged: the lily-pad fan, who jumps from team to team depending on the situation. They treat their teams like they treat a rock band. If they found them when they were in the basement, well any success is bitter-sweet. “Your” team is now doing well, but they are no longer just “your” team. And the opposite is true as well to the Lily-Padders, the team is only as good as their last album and if they have gone in a new direction, well then there’s no moral dilemma to leaving them; the jerseys/albums just go back into the closet. And I must say: part of this makes a lot of sense. For instance, liking Van Halen is very much like cheering for the Dolphins. You grew up with David Lee Roth (Don Shula), he was an institution. And when he left, they still had Sammy Hagar (Dan Marino), although there might have been less success, they were still very good. But all the front-men after that? Well let’s just say it’s okay to not be a Van Halen fan anymore.
The Cocktail Party Sports Fan
Including this group in a list of fans might be pushing it, but this is the “fan” that doesn’t actually know about the sport they are talking about, though they talk anyway. This fan is usually found in Luxury Suites or Cocktail parties. They say things like “Complete that pass!” or “They just need to tackle better” (yes 2 guys sitting behind us at the Charger games, I’m talking to you.) This is not real advice, you don’t actually follow this team, you just want to seem like you do. Maybe you just watched SportsCenter today, maybe you just read Dr Z’s preview in SI, but you don’t know what’s going on. This isn’t “your” team. You probably don’t even have a fantasy team. But you want to seem like you do. And that is just sad.
The Front-Runner
Ryan Zumallen is the only Clippers fan I know. There is no doubt that LA is a Lakers Town, but if the Clippers ever made it further into the playoffs than the Lakers did, more than half of LA would change into red jerseys in a heartbeat. My immediate guy reaction to that is disgust. They weren’t worth the time of day before, but now you’ve “always” been a Clip fan? And LA might be the worst offender (honestly don’t you cheer for the Dodgers and the Angels?) but front-runners are a part of sport; there is a reason Lebron James is a Yankees and Cowboys fan. He grew up in the early 90s, Ohio teams sucked so he went elsewhere to find a winner. And this isn’t always a bad thing, some teams need to earn their love (or at least that’s what the 2 million new Tampa Bay Rays fans keep telling themselves.) And I guess since the alternative would be to cheer for a loser, so maybe being a front-runner isn’t a bad thing…sorry Zoomy.