I have a few dreams in life—one of them is to be in charge of stadium music. Have you ever seen someone doing their job and immediately known that you could do it better? That’s me every time I hear the music at a sporting event. But there is a distinct possibility that I will never blessed with the opportunity to control a stadium’s music—and probably for good reason—so I am going to take you my dear friend through the iPod of my imaginary stadium.
There are 3 bands that get played at sporting events (I’ll save you some time: Bon Jovi “It’s My Life”/“Living On A Prayer”/“You Give Love A Bad Name”; AC/DC- “You Shook Me All Night Long”/“Hell’s Bells”/“Thunder Struck”; Queen-“Another One Bites the Dust”/“We Are the Champions”/“We Will Rock You”). For as long as I can remember these 3 bands, with these 9 songs, have been ridiculously over-played, and it’s about time we get some fresh blood in here.
My imaginary stadium is quite impressive. It has no luxury boxes, but it can host basketball, football, baseball, women’s volleyball, mud wrestling, pole dancing; any event possible, we at Pipes Stadium are prepared for. And I, as your humble MC, must be prepared for any athlete, living or dead (we can handle any event). But there are rules for picking songs.
Rule #1: It can’t be too obvious.
Closers need music. But it has to be songs like Enter Sandman or Welcome to the Jungle. So no matter how much I want to, I just can’t use Closing Time by Semisonic or Save Tonight by Eagle Eye Cherry. Those songs are just too obvious—and kind of annoying.
Rule #1a: Set-up men don’t need music
Sorry Wilson Philips, but Hold On will have to wait for another situation.
Rule #2: It can’t be too offensive.
Look, I am very happy with my dream job here at Pipes Stadium. I don’t want to get fired. So no matter how much I want to, I just can’t play 99 Problems by Jay-Z when we host a WNBA game. I also can’t play Katy Perry’s I Kissed a Girl. I mean, yes of course these songs are appropriate but we’re a family atmosphere and that has to be respected. So whenever we host a WNBA game I will just have to resort to Brick by Ben Folds. Can you honestly tell me you wouldn’t enjoy it if you saw a coach of a team shooting 12.5% from the field have to listen to She’s a brick and I’m drowning slowly. I mean, Folds must have had that in mind when he wrote it right? It would be insulting not to use it.
Rule #3: You must be prepared.
No one could have really seen Tom Brady’s injury coming. But since I am so good at my imaginary job, I had Instant Karma by John Lennon prepared. Mind you, that was after I played Jimmy Eat World’s Cheating Gets it Faster when the Patriots ran onto the field.
Rule #4: You must play a cheesy song.
There are pleasures. There are guilty pleasures. And then there’s listening to Journey. No one actually admits to listening to Journey but if I played Don’t Stop Believing, everyone in the stadium would sing along. Everyone. This spot has previously been occupied by YMCA but frankly the obsession with that song is not healthy and should most definitely be replaced by Pat Benatar. Rest assured, sometime during the game, I will also play Love is a Battlefield. And you will sing along…and possibly dance.
Rule #5: Hip-Hop is never wrong.
Kanye, Jay-Z, Eminem. These guys are more prophets than musicians. If you need a song, one of them will come through in the clutch. Granted, there are some parental-guidance-required lyrics, but that’s really a minor hurdle. I mean go ahead and name any situation, someone will come through:
Leadoff hitter just legged out an infield hit? I’m a hustler baby/I just want you to know—Jay-Z’s I Just Wanna Love You is perfect! You listening Russell Martin? There is no reason this isn’t your song yet.
While that song may work for baseball, we at Pipes Stadium run the sports gambit, so what if say LT runs for a first down? Well then, Jesus Walks by Kanye West should be cued up. I can’t take credit for this one; in 2004 at the Jets/Chargers playoff game this was LT’s song at the Q, and it was perfect. But there are lots of uses for this song. Let’s say Jesus Shuttlesworth himself—Ray Allen—gets called for a travel. You better believe this song will be at the top of my list.
But is hip-hop really appropriate in every situation? I mean what if we’re hosting a Bowl Game between Utah and Kansas? Don’t worry—I’ve got White America by Eminem ready for team introductions.
Rule #5a: Hip-Hop is sometimes wrong.
This rule may be slightly contradictory, but when you have the Color Guard coming onto the field to unveil the flag, Soulja Boy is not a good choice. Qualcomm, I’m looking in your direction.
Rule #6: You must set the mood.
No, I don’t mean play Barry White. Although during any Women’s Volleyball match that Logan Tom plays in, I would happily approve of Can’t Get Enough of Your Love. What I mean by mood is that the music must be used to get the crowd jumping. Song 2 by Blur, Bro Hymn by Pennywise, Seven Nation Army by the White Stripes; these songs release excitement. Touchdowns, goals, clutch home runs; there are moments in sports that need these kinds of songs.
But there are other times, other moments in sports, that don’t need to have any more anticipation added on. Sitting in right field at Angel Stadium before Game 1 of the World Series, I thought my head was going to explode. I couldn’t possibly have been more nervous. I didn’t need Jack White’s guitar blaring. I needed something understated, something to make me reflect on what I was about to be a part of, I needed something…with a piano in it. And Right Now by Van Halen came on. Six years later, I still remember that song making me think “Holy S—this is the World f’ing Series.” That is what sports are all about. It’s all about the moments that stay with you for a lifetime. That is why we are fans. And that is why in my Leaky Pipes Stadium, when we host a major event and you are sitting there—dying of anticipation—Kanye West’s Stronger will come on:
Th, th, th, that that don’t kill me/Can only me make stronger/I need you to hurry up now/Cause I can’t wait much longer…
That song will make you remember that moment, that excitement, that eager anticipation; right before the mud wrestling begins.