Obviously the tone of the Yankees offseason changed dramatically in the last few weeks- if you listen closely you can hear the millions of fantasy teams in the Bronx changing their team names from “Recession-Proof” to “Amateur Hour.”  In fact the only way Alex Rodriguez and the Yankees could be under more scrutiny right now is if it turns out they performed the in-vitro for the octuplet lady. But soon enough everyone’s going to remember that  the Yankees spent as much as the GDP of Paraguay this offseason; and that Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, and Mark Teixeira make an incredibly 2-3-4 combo; and that they are due to win a championship any day now (I mean nine whole seasons, they must really be suffering.)  But despite all that, the Yankees could still be sitting at home this October.  In fact I have 26 (non-roid related) ways- one for each of their championships- that the Yankees could still miss the playoffs.

1- Joe Torre’s book The Yankee Years becomes such a hit that it is turned into a Broadway musical.  Always wanting to be on Broadway, half of the Yankees team decide to take a sabbatical from baseball in order to play themselves in the musical

2- The new Yankee Stadium is haunted and the team is so scared that they forfeit the season….by the time they find out that it wasn’t really haunted (it was just Nomar in a ghost costume) it is already too late

3- Derek Jeter is arrested for stealing that sign from the old Yankee Stadium

4- After watching the entire series of The Wire, the Yankees forfeit all their games against the Orioles after refusing to go to Baltimore ever again

5- The entire team gets confused by the move and they all drive to the old stadium everyday.  It’s July before anyone on the team realizes the mistake

6- The Yankees trainer begins to give every player the “Roger Clemens treatment”- after one day of angry massages and firey ointment on their testicles- the entire team leaves and never comes back

7- Former Red Sox director George Mitchell does a 2^nd report that gets the Rays, Jays, Yankees, and O’s all kicked out of baseball

8- The Yankees gives Joe Torre a Billy Martin and re-hires him.  Torre, still bitter, sabotages the team

9- CC Sabathia, who bulked up to over 400 lbs, gets stuck in the doorway to the clubhouse preventing the team from taking the field for over a week

10- In part of a spectacular PR push, Hank Steinbrenner signs a TV deal with ABC to dump the entire team on the island from Lost

11- Mark Teixeira refuses to play unless his wife coaches the team

12- The Yankees have so many jersey numbers retired that they are forced to forfeit every game because they do not have enough numbers left to field a full team

13- Joe Torre’s assessment proves correct and A-Rod does in fact Single-White-Female Derek Jeter, which in one love-scorn act takes away the entire left side of the Yankees infield

14- Chien-Ming Wang introduces himself to all his teammates in the clubhouse, they laugh so hard at his last name that 5 of them fall down the clubhouse steps, spraining their ankles

15- Everybody suddenly remembers that Joba Chamberlain not only got arrested for a DUI but that he missed his court date; his ensuing arrest leaves the team too short-handed to compete

16- President Obama signs an Executive Order forcing MLB to include the White Sox in the playoffs every year, costing the Yankees their spot

17- The Yankees sign Plaxico Burress; his first day he takes the entire team out clubbing.  They are never heard from again

18- Taking after Rudy Gulliani’s Presidential run, the Yankees decide to spend the entire season in Florida

19- After watching I Am Legend, I am prepared that say there is at least a 50/50 chance that the entire city of New York can be shut down at any moment

20- George Steinbrenner marries that chick from Major League, upon taking over the team she decides to tank the season so that she can move the team

21- In a weird bit of irony, Alex Rodriguez is mauled by a cougar while at Madonna’s house. 

22- On a team flight to play the Rays, the team’s charter plane flies through the Bermuda triangle.  They are never heard from again

23- In an effort to avoid any Bermuda Triangle related catastrophes, the Yankees hire Chesley Sullenberger to fly their team plane without realizing he is a Red Sox fan.  He performs a perfect water landing…stranding the entire team in the middle of the Atlantic 

24- The Yankees clubhouse is so short on towels that half the team has to use the same towel as Johnny Damon; in a related story- half the Yankees team will miss the season with an undisclosed STD

25- Evan Longoria, on a warm Summer day, hits 7 home runs to lead the Rays in a 27-0 thrashing of the Yankees.  After his 5^th, 6^th, and 7^th home runs Evan leads the crowd in the Bosco spell-out.  The Yankees are so embarrassed, they never take the field again 

26- Despite the Sabathia, Burnett, and Teixeira signings, the Yankees repeat their 2008 performance of being 7^th in the AL in hitting and 9^th in the AL in pitching 

In other words: it turns out that despite spending eleventy billion dollars in the offseason, they are still just not very good.